


One of a Kind, Irreplaceable

by Dezzywezzy19, tay_tay19



Series: Soul Mate [2]
Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-03-08 13:59:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 41
Words: 9,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18896035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dezzywezzy19/pseuds/Dezzywezzy19, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tay_tay19/pseuds/tay_tay19
Summary: Ryan Ross meets his soulmate and best friend Spencer Smith at a very early age. After being separated Ryan struggles to find his way back to his Spencer despite the interference of his family. This story is told through Ryan's writing through the years.This story is told through Ryan's perspective and will be written by me, Taylor. Dezzy is writing from Spencer's perspective here https://archiveofourown.org/works/18909844Title is from Avicii's 'Waiting for love'





	1. 2nd grade summer journal.

George R Ross

Summer journal

 

Teacher:Ms Lewis

Grade:2nd

 

My name is George, I am in ms lewis 2nd grade class. This summer was the best summer ever. On the first day of summer I got a best friend. He lives next door. His name is spencer. My mommy and spencers mommy like each other. Spencers mommy babysat me while my mommy was at work. Me and spencer got to play together every day. We played with spencers toy train and we played ninjas on his playground. His house has swings and a slide. Spencers mommy let us play with swords. They were made of plastic. We got to go to the pool sometimes. Spencer has little sisters. They’re twins. That means that they look like each other. They are just babies but they cry a lot. Spencers mommy makes cookies all the time. They taste extra special cause she makes them with love. I asked spencers mommy if she could be my mommy too but she said that I had my mommy.

 

Me and spencer almost have the same birthday. We shared a birthday party this year. Spencers hole family came. He has lots of ants and uncles and cousins. Everyone was really nice. Summer is over now and that makes me sad. Spencer goes to publik school. That means that I dont get to see him until I go home. That makes me sad. Spencer is my best friend.


	2. 4th grade weekly journal. Entry #1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from Ryan's 4th grade journal.

Name: Ryan Ross.                                                     Journal #1

Teacher: Mr Howard

Grade: 4

My name is George Ryan Ross. I go by Ryan because George is my dad’s name. Mr Howard says that we have to write in this journal every week. I don’t know what to write about. Mr Howard is my English teacher. I think he is okay. He is nicer than the math teacher. I hate math. Spencer is good at math. Spencer is my best friend. I go to his house after school until my mom and dad get home from work. He helps me with my math homework, then we play video games. Spencers mom just bought Mario kart for us. but she thinks we need to play outside more. Spencer’s birthday is September 2nd. That is 4 days after mine. His mom throws a big party for both of us. September 2nd 1987 is the date thats on my wrist. Spencers mom was excited when she saw it. Spencer has writing on his wrist too. But its too blurry to read. His mom says that they are called soulmarks and that everyone has one.


	3. 4th grade weekly journal, entry #2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from Ryan's fourth grade journal

Name: Ryan Ross.                                                        journal #2

Teacher: Mr Howard

Grade: 4

 

It is journal writing time again. This weekend Spencer’s mom took us too the zoo. We saw all sorts of animals. My favorite was the tiger. Spencer likes the fish tanks. We had funnel cakes and corn dogs.


	4. 4th grade weekly journal, entry #3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from Ryan's 4th grade journal

Name: Ryan Ross.                                                  Journal #3

Teacher: Mr Howard

Grade: 4

  

Today in science we learned about soulmates and soulmarks. I got to show everyone that mine was readable. I told the teacher that my soulmark is my best friends birthday. she said that people almost never meet there soulmate when they are kids. Soulmates are supposed to be the perfect person for you to be with. When you find your soulmate then you should spend the rest of your life with them. Spencer is a year younger than me. His soulmark is on his wrist like mine but it isn’t readable yet. I hope that its my birthday. Then we can be best friends until the end of the world. Spencers mom and dad are soulmates. Their soulmarks are right by their elbows. My teacher said that soulmates don’t have to get married. My mom and dad have different soulmarks. My moms is on her foot and my dads is on his back. I don’t know why they don’t have soulmates. Sometimes at church the priest says that we shouldn’t listen to the soulmarks. He says that the devil created them. He says that because sometimes soulmates are two boys or two girls and that’s a sin. Me and spencer are both boys. But he’s my best friend. If we are soulmates then we can be best friends forever.


	5. 4th grade weekly journal, entry #19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from Ryan's weekly journal

Name: Ryan Ross.                                         Journal #19

Teacher: Mr Howard

Grade: 4

 

Mom doesnt work anymore. Now I don’t get to see Spencer everyday. Mom and Dad bought me a bracelet that I have to wear all the time. It hides my soulmark. It feels itchy.


	6. 4th grade weekly journal, entry #27

Name: Ryan Ross.                                         Journal #27

Teacher: Mr Howard

Grade: 4

 

In church yesterday the priest said that soulmates were bad. Mom and dad took me with them to a doctor. Theyre getting their soulmarks removed. The doctor said they cant remove mine until I’m older. I don’t want to remove mine. Even if having a soulmate is bad. Spencers mom says that they cant make me remove mine. When I am 18 I’ll get to have a say and I can choose to keep it. I still want spencer to be my soulmate.


	7. 4th grade weekly journal, entry #29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from Ryan's weekly journal.

Name: Ryan Ross.                                         Journal #29

Teacher: Mr Howard

Grade: 4

 

Mom got a new job working at the church. They have a daycare so most of the time I have to go there with her after school. Sometimes I still get to go to spencers house but not for very long. We used to have sleep overs all the time but my mom and dad say that isn’t allowed anymore. Sometimes I sneak out of my room and go to spencers house. He keeps his window open and I can just go inside. I have to wake up super early when I do that so I can get back to my room before mom and dad wake up.


	8. 4th grade weekly journal, entry #34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from Ryan's weekly journal

Name: Ryan Ross.                                         Journal #34

Teacher: Mr Howard

Grade: 4

 

Dad caught me sneaking back from Spencer’s house this morning. I got in a lot of trouble. Dad says I am going to be grounded for a long long time. I miss spencer and his mom and dad already. I even miss his little sisters and they are super super annoying.


	9. 4th grade weekly journal, entry #35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from Ryan's weekly journal.

Name: Ryan Ross.                                         Journal #35

Teacher: Mr Howard

Grade: 4

 

Yesterday I found out that I’m not gonna be home for the whole summer! My mom and dad are going to Africa with people from our church. I am too little to go so I am going to bible camp. I’m really really sad that I have to spend the whole summer away from spencer. But the summer camp ends before mom and dad get back. That means that someone has too watch me. Since aunt judy lives too far away I am going to go on vacation with spencer and his family! We get to spend two whole weeks together!


	10. 4th grade weekly journal, entry #36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final entry in Ryan's 4th grade weekly journal.

Name: Ryan Ross.                                         Journal #36

Teacher: Mr Howard

Grade: 4

 

This is my last journal entry. Mr howard says that I did a good job. On Monday my dad is going to take me to my summer camp. I get to go to spencers house every day after school. His soulmark is almost readable now. I think that it is my birthday. I feel really sad when I don’t get to see spencer and I feel really really happy when I get to spend time with him. Spencers mom and dad are really happy together. They don’t fight all the time like my mom and dad do. Are soulmates really bad things?


	11. 6th Grade, letter to Spencer #1

From Ryan Ross

Becket school for boys

Indiana

 

To Spencer Smith

Summerlin, Nevada

 

 

* * *

 

Spencer,

 

Mom and Dad lied to me. I was supposed to start at a public middle school, the one that your mom said you were going to start next year. I was going to surprise you. We could have finally gone to school together. Now I didn’t even get to say goodbye to you. I’m at a boarding school in Indiana now. You’re so far away and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I hope you don’t worry too much before this letter gets to you. You’re my soulmate and my best friend. I would never ever ever leave without telling you. I wanted to call you as soon as I got here but they won’t let me use the phone. It took forever for me to figure out how to even get stamps and envelopes.

This school is the worst and I’ve only been here for three days. I have to share a room with four other boys and the room smells like dirty gym socks. We have to wear like these full suit uniforms with ties and stuff and if they don’t look perfect then you get things called demerits. If you get a lot of demerits, then you get sent to the principal’s office. I saw a paddle behind his desk when I first got here. I thought that at least I wouldn’t get hit anymore if I got away from dad, but I guess that’s not gonna stop. 

They make me wear a cover for my soulmark every day. I’m even supposed to sleep with it on. I take it off whenever I get the chance though. You’re my soulmate. I don’t want to hide the one thing that’s connecting us still. Sometimes it feels like someone is touching my soulmark, even when I’m all alone. Is that you? Everyone at this school thinks that soulmates are bad. Like the priest at church said they were put on us by the devil. I’m going to try and do my own research. Because your mom and dad are soulmates and they’re a lot more happy that my parents who aren’t soulmates. I know that I feel happier when I’m with you too. How can something like that be bad?

I’m going to be coming home for holidays and stuff. I’m gonna spend every second that I can with you and your family while I’m there.

I miss you, a lot. Don’t make any new best friends while I’m gone. You’re the only best friend that I’ll ever have.

 

Love, Ryro


	12. 6th grade, Letter to Spencer #2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A letter Ryan sent to Spencer from boarding school.

From Ryan Ross

Becket school for boys

Indiana

 

To Spencer Smith

Summerlin, Nevada

 

* * *

 

 

Spencer,

 You haven’t written back to me yet. That’s okay though. I know that writing letters can be really boring. But send me something at least, okay. Then I can keep it and read it all the time. 

This place really is the worst. One of my roommates caught me with the cover off my soulmark. He told the others and they were all really mean to me. They made me put the cover back on my arm and then they duct taped it. The nurse helped me get all the duct tape off, but it hurt a lot. I got demerits for it. I don’t think the other boys got in any trouble.

I’ve gotten a lot of demerits already. I have to clean the gym after class to “atone” or whatever. I made a calendar in one of my notebooks. I’m going to count down the days until I get to go home for winter break. You’ll be there, right? I really want to see you. I feel kind of empty now that I can’t talk to you. There’s a teacher that’s in charge of the hallway my dorm is in. She went through all the rooms with the disciplinary team and they went through everyone's stuff. It’s a good thing I have your address memorized because she took away the paper I had it written on with your phone number. When you write to me you can include it. There’s a phone in the gym teachers office and he always leaves while I’m cleaning. Maybe I can use it to call you.

Classes here are hard. We have to take all the boring classes like in normal school but we also have religion classes and stuff like that. You’re not really allowed to ask questions in religion class. I think that’s dumb. I tried to look all over the library for stuff on soulmates but there isn’t really a lot in there. Everything is all about religion and shit. I just want to come home.

How are your classes going? Is your teacher as bad as that one you had in third grade? Do you have to do a lot of homework? I hope the kids in your classes are nice. But not too nice. Remember we’re best friends so you can’t get a new one. 

Write soon, please

Love Ryro


	13. 6th grade, Letter to spencer #3

**From Ryan Ross**

**Becket school for boys**

**Indiana**

**To Spencer Smith**

**Summerlin, Nevada**

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dear Spencer,

Still no letter back from you. Please write soon. I’ll put an envelope with my address and a stamp in here. They’re hard to get so you better use it. My mom and dad took the money out of my school store account so I can’t buy anymore. I’m smart though. I caught up to what they’re teaching here so I get good grades. Some of the other boys get me to do their classwork and then buy me stuff from the school store as payment. I’ll be able to write you a lot of letters. I’ll write to you every day. 

Do you miss me as much as I miss you? There are some boys here that aren’t as bad as the others but my roommates are still mean. They keep doing stuff to me but somehow I keep getting in trouble for it. I’ve been to the principal’s office three times this week already.

I’m tired right now. I feel empty a lot. I wonder if that’s because we’re not together anymore. Soulmates are supposed to stay together after they meet. I think at least. I can’t do any research here. You can though. So you should read up on this stuff for me. Write me and tell me what you find okay. 

You will write, won’t you?

 

Love Ryro

 

 

* * *

**Returned to sender**


	14. 6th Grade, Letter to Spencer #4

**From Ryan Ross**

**Becket school for boys**

**Indiana**

**To Spencer Smith**

**Summerlin, Nevada**

  

* * *

 

 Dear Spencer,

 

The last letter came back to me. I don’t know why. My parents didn’t get to you did they? I had to hide my stamps and envelopes really well. A teacher found out I was getting things from the other boys so now I’m poor. I haven’t been feeling good lately. A lot of boys are sick so I think I’ve probably caught something. I promise I’ll get better before winter break. We’ll spend all the time we can together. Just four weeks left. I’m counting down the days. Write back to me. Then I can have something to distract me from feeling sick.

 

Love Ryro

 

* * *

 

**Return to sender**


	15. 6th Grade, Letter to Spencer #5

**From Ryan Ross**

**Becket school for boys**

**Indiana**

**To Spencer Smith**

**Summerlin, Nevada**

 

* * *

 

 

 

Dear Spencer, 

I miss you.

Love, RyRo

 

* * *

**Returned to sender**


	16. 6th Grade, Letter to Spencer #6

**From Ryan Ross**

**Becket school for boys**

**Indiana**

**To Spencer Smith**

**Summerlin, Nevada**

 

* * *

 

 Spencer,

 

You won’t get this letter. I don’t know if you’re sending them away or if something is wrong. I’ll be coming home next week. I’ll see you then. Won’t I? I’m still counting down the days. I don’t feel anything from my soulmark anymore. I wonder if it’s because I have to keep it hidden, or maybe because you’re not paying attention to it. You miss me, don’t you? We’ll talk when I come home next week. I hope. You can still write to me. It’ll probably get here before my bus leaves. 

Please

 

Love RyRo

 

* * *

**Returned to Sender**


	17. Patient notes from Dr. Howard – Head of Psychiatry at Sebastian Bastille children’s hospital

**Today’s date: December 30th**

**Patient name: George Ross III**

**Date of Birth: August 30, 1987**

**Soulmark: Left wrist - September 2, 1987**

The patient, George, has been admitted to the long term ward of the hospital for numerous reasons. George suffered severe injuries as a result of a bus accident. The patient was in transit from boarding school to his parents’ house in Nevada. The right leg was broken in two places, surgery was performed to repair the break and physical therapy will be required. The head injury caused almost complete hearing loss in both ears. George is being taught ASL but is reluctant to learning. George is unresponsive to most interactions. 

Sometime during his recovery George’s parents reported that his soulmate passed away from illness. This may be the cause of patients unwillingness to aid in his own recovery. Assigning Dr. Jon Walker as his primary therapist due to his understanding of soulmate loss.


	18. Note passed between Dr. Walker and Ryan

**_Dr. Jon Walker_**  

Ryan

 

**_How are you feeling today, George?_ **

 

RYAN

****

**_You prefer to be called Ryan? That is your middle name right?_ **

**_You’ve been having trouble with your recovery, do you want to talk about it? I know that physical therapy can be painful but your leg needs it in order to recover._ **

**_We can talk about something else if you prefer._ **

****

NO

 

**_What about your lessons? I heard that you did really well in school but your ASL teacher says that you’re struggling._ **

****

I don’t care

 

**_It must be pretty scary, not being able to hear anymore._ **

**_Do you and your roommate get along? You’re rooming with B right?_ **

****

B isn’t a name.

 

**_It’s what he goes by. Like you go by Ryan instead of George._ **

****

He talks to much.

 

**_You can’t hear him though._ **

****

Doesn’t stop him.

 

**_No, I imagine it doesn’t. He’s very energetic. I am sure that he would be willing to learn ASL with you._ **

****

No.

 

**_When you learn ASL then we can talk to each other that way. I’m pretty rusty. We can help each other practice._ **

****

No.

 

**_Do you want to talk about anything else today?_ **

****

No

 

**_You should focus on getting better Ryan. I know that losing your soulmate can be hard, especially when you’re both so young. Don’t you think he would want you to get better?_ **

****

SPENCER ISNT DEAD

 

**_All the more reason to get better then._ **

****

FUCK OFF


	19. Sebastian Bastille library computer search history

Google- Spencer Smith -10:15 am

Google- Spencer Smith Nevada – 10:16 am

Google- Spencer Smith Sumerlin Nevada – 10:16 am

Google- Spencer Smith 09/02/1997 – 10:20 am

Google- Ginger and Lloyd Smith – 10:25 am

Google- Ginger Smith phone number – 10:26 am

Google- Merryhill elementary school summerlin nevada – 10:29 am


	20. 7th grade, A message from Dr. Walker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A message to Ryan, written inside the cover of his new journal.

_**Happy Birthday, Ryan,** _

_**I know it’s not much but I hope that you’ll be able to find a use for this journal. It can be hard to talk about things to others sometimes so I want you to have a place where you can write down all those words bouncing around inside your head. Stay strong.** _

_**Dr. Walker.** _


	21. 7th grade, journal entry #1

There’s nothing to write about. I want to go home. I want Spencer.


	22. 7th Grade, Journal entry #2

The internet says there are 435 people named Spencer Smith in the u.s. I want to find my Spencer. Everyone keeps telling me that he’s dead but I know he’s not. He can’t be. We’re going to be best friends forever so I need to keep trying to find him. I know that he’s looking for me too. I don’t care what anyone says. He’s out there and we’re going to be back together. My roommate B is going to help me search. I only get a short amount of time on the computers in the library but I can use Brendon’s computer time now too.

My ASL is getting better, but it’s really annoying and no one but my teacher and Jon really understands me. I found a book about morse code in the library. I’m going to learn how to use it with B. Then B can just translate everything for me. He talks too much anyway.

 


	23. 7th grade, Journal entry #12

Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencerSpencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencerSpencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer Spencer spencer spencer spencer


	24. 7th grade, Journal entry #29

I felt you touch the soulmark. I know it was you. Can you feel me? Are you trying to find me? Come soon please. I feel empty.


	25. 9th grade, Journal entry #470

Spencer, are you out there? I started my high school courses today. The teacher bothers me less and it’s mostly just independent studying. We’d be in the same grade now that I’ve fallen behind. We could be starting high school together. What hobbies do you have? Did you learn to play drums like you wanted to? Who are your friends? Am I still your best friend? It’s been so long since I last saw you. You’re probably a totally different person now. I’m not sure what I am. I feel like I’m still stuck. My hearing isn’t going to come back. I’ll never hear you laugh, or sing, or talk. 

I’ve learned a lot about soulmates while I’ve been here. My parents opted me out of the health and biology classes about it but I have access to a proper library here. Dr Walker is pretty willing to answer my questions too, as long as I don’t mention your name. Everyone keeps telling me that you’re gone forever. That you let some sickness kill you. But I know you, I know you’re stronger than that. You’re going to come for me one day. We’re going to prove everyone wrong. We’re going to be together. It will be me and you just like old times. I can’t wait for that day. I’m going to keep all these journals safe so that you can read them when that day comes. I want you to know that I never gave up. I’ll never stop searching for you. I just need to get out of this stupid hospital first.


	26. 9th grade, journal entry #500

I did something today that I shouldn’t have. I kissed B. I don’t know why. I just, I feel so empty all the time. I feel so alone. B can be really annoying at times but he doesn’t judge me. He believes me when I tell him that you’re alive. He doesn’t look at me with pity. I don’t love him. I won’t ever love anyone but you, do you hate me now?


	27. 10th Grade, Journal entry #785

My parents haven’t come to see me in a long time. They had a new baby. A little girl. I think they want to forget that I exist. Most of my friends have left the hospital now. Dallon just disappeared one day. Patrick and Joe both aged out. B is still here. He hasn’t changed at all. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me when I age out next year. I’m mailing all of my journals to Patrick for safe keeping. If my parents ever found them they’d probably have me burned at the stake or something. 

This place is full of idiots. Dr. Walker is the only one who doesn’t try and force me to say that you’re dead. I think he might be the only person I can trust here. Even B talks too much for his own good, so I have to be careful what I tell him. 

When I’m 18 I’m going to look for you Spence. I’ll be an adult and no one will be able to stop me. Please wait for me.


	28. September 25th, last journal entry

I’m sending this journal to Patrick for safekeeping tonight. My parents are coming to visit tomorrow. I’ve got a bad feeling about this. They’ll have a meeting with the director to arrange for my release on my 18th birthday. Part of me wants to run away before they get here. I’m going to find you Spencer. I promise. I know you’re out there. No one can tell me anything different. I can feel you.


	29. letter to Patrick Stump

**From R.R**

 

**To Patrick Stump**

**Chicago, IL**

 

* * *

 

Patrick I don’t have much time. I’m at a hotel with my Parents. Theyre taking me to Utah. They said that theres another hospital there. They said that a judge signed a paper saying I’m not competent. That I’ve gone crazy because spencer died. Spencer isnt dead. Please help me. Get dr walker to talk to someone. Please. I don’t know who else to turn to. You have to help me. The judge that signed the paper goes to church with my parents. He’s crazy just like them. I can’t go to another hospital. I have to find spencer.

 

* * *

**Status: lost in transit**

 


	30. New journal, day 3 of freedom

Patrick and Jon keep saying I should start writing again. They think it will be therapeutic. I guess it’s better than sitting around pretending to read the captions on the tv. I don’t think they really understand. I’m free now. Sort of. I’m out of that place… That prison pretending to be a hospital. My parents abandoned me there. Patrick never got my letter. At least that’s what he says. He says that he would have gotten me out sooner if he knew. I spent three years there. Everything is wrong now. I know that there’s a lot wrong with me now. Not just my hearing. I see things that aren’t real. I see Spencer, just the way I remember him. I hear his voice in my head. I hear him laugh and sing. I won’t ever hear him. Even if I could magically get my hearing back, Spencer is dead. I’m alone. So alone.


	31. New journal, Day 4 of Freedom

I feel exhausted all the time. We’re traveling and I kind of hate it. I only know Patrick, Joe and B. B is Brendon now. Patrick says that we’re going to Nevada to try and figure out who Brendon is. Being around them feels like there are needles stabbing my heart. Joe and Andy are soulmates, they’ve registered and are going to get married. Brendon and Pete are soulmates. They say they aren’t sure but anyone can see it. They’re always attached to each other. Brendon has nightmares. I’ve been with them for four days and I don’t think he or Pete have gotten much sleep. I share a room with them since I won’t get woken up by Brendon’s screams. Jon is on his way out here. He wants to help Brendon get better. It feels like people forget I’m here sometimes. I see things that I think they’re trying to hide. I’m gonna keep a list. 

  * Brendon and Pete are soulmates.
  * Patrick’s not eating again.
  * Pete and Patrick were in a relationship before Brendon showed up.



It’s hard being out of the hospital. There I knew that things were fake because they didn’t fit into the hospital. But here when we’re out in public and I see Spencer, I can’t tell if it’s really him or not. When I hear voices in my head I can’t help but think that my hearing is coming back. Pain makes the fake things go away. If I pinch my arm then I can see clearly. Patrick keeps telling me to stop.


	32. New journal, Day 5 of Freedom

I think I’m going to be sick. We’re going to Nevada today. They think Brendon is Brendon Urie, one of the twins that went missing from Summerlin. That’s the town I’m from, the town I lived in with Spencer. I wonder if things had been different if I still would have met Brendon. If he and his brother hadn’t been kidnapped and my parents hadn’t sent me away from Spencer, would we have all been friends? 

Brendon’s stopped talking. I could never hear him talking but now he just sits still and looks sad. I want to cheer him up but Pete won’t let me close. He doesn’t like that I used to kiss Brendon. ~~I wonder if Spencer will be mad when he finds out.~~ Spencer is dead.


	33. New Journal, Day 8 of Freedom

We had to stop again. Stayed at a different hotel for a few days. Jon is here and he tries to help everyone. We’re going to las vegas now. It’s not far from Summerlin. They’ll be able to figure out if Brendon is Brendon Urie. I think I remember something about the Urie twins. It might not be real though. I won’t tell anyone. When I was a kid all the parents got really scared. Spencer’s mom started picking us both up from our schools. I think one of the Urie twins was found, I think people were afraid that the kidnapper was going to take another kid. It might just be my brain making things up. We’ll know when we get there. I’m scared to go back. I keep hearing Spencer’s voice. I think it’s him. In my head, he sounds older. I think everything might not be real. I think I might still be in the hospital. Maybe I have gone crazy. I think maybe I’ve always been crazy. Sometimes I think that I feel someone touching my soulmark. I know that it's my brain tricking me. I can’t feel anything because Spencer is dead.


	34. New Journal, Day 10 of Freedom

I was going to stay away but I went to Summerlin today. We drove past Spencer’s old school, the pool where we used to go swimming, the playground. I see Spencer everywhere. Sometimes he looks like he did when I last saw him. Before I got sent away. Sometimes he looks older. I know it’s him because he has the same smile and the same eyes. Every time I pinch myself he goes away. Maybe I should just let him stay. Everyone thinks there’s something wrong with me anyway. I doubt they’d care if I started talking back to the voices in my head.

Brendon is actually Brendon Urie, and I was right that his brother came back. It was before I got sent away. But his brother isn’t awake. His name is Eddy Urie. He’s been asleep for a long time. Brendon noticed that Eddy’s soulmark is on his knee and it’s Jon’s birthday. Jon’s soulmark is on his knee and it’s Eddy’s birthday. Jon is lucky. He thought that his soulmate died a long time ago. He thought that he was going to be alone forever. I thought he was like me. Even if Eddy is asleep at least he’s not gone forever. Jon’s going to go to the hospital with Brendon tomorrow. 

Pete and Patrick are arguing a lot I think. Maybe Pete finally noticed how bad Patrick is doing. I think that Patrick is hurting right now because he doesn’t have his soulmate either. I wonder if he and Pete were boyfriends before. It’s weird watching them because I can see that they love each other. But how can you love someone that isn’t your soulmate? How can Pete still love Patrick when he’s got his soulmate Brendon with him. I guess maybe I just don’t understand. It’s been so long since I saw my own soulmate. We were just kids then, we didn’t really understand the connection that formed between us. I didn’t know why it was so hard to be away from Spencer or why everything just felt a million times better when we were together. 

Some people say that Soulmates can form a special bond, where they can feel what their soulmate is feeling even when they’re far apart. I used to think that Spencer and I had a bond like that. But he would have known then, known how much I was missing him. He should have known how sad I was watching the mail being passed out and never having anything from him. Did he ever feel my disappointment? Was he really sick all that time and I never knew about it? Sometimes I feel like he abandoned me, I know it’s not his fault. Even if he had been able to know what was happening we were both just kids. I think that Spencer felt our bond as much as I did. I think that he would find me if he was still here. If he was still alive then he’d find me. I wonder what his voice sounds like now. Is it like the one my mind created? Or maybe it’s totally different. What would adult spencer look like? He was taller than me when we were kids but I grew a lot as a teenager. Would I be taller than him now? I wish that I could ask him.


	35. New Journal, Day 12 of freedom

Brendon’s brother woke up today. He’s been asleep for 10 years, almost 11. Today he woke up because Jon held his hand. He woke up because he was with his soulmate. I think soulmates might be even stronger than I thought. Jon’s soulmate is named Edward Urie but he only answers to Eddy. He couldn’t do very much today. I guess he’s probably gonna be really confused for a while. He was nine last time he was awake, now he’s an adult. Seeing how old Brendon is now really freaked him out but having Jon nearby seems to relax him. The nurse person that takes care of Eddy has to keep telling Brendon to keep his voice down. The more talking there is the more upset Eddy seems to get.

Except when it’s Jon talking. When Jon talks he looks really happy. I don’t think he even knows what a soulmate is. It was like that for me and Spencer in the beginning too. Our soulmarks weren’t even visible yet but we got attached right away. Whenever I got upset or scared it was always Spencer that was able to help. I wish I had him now. I wish I could hear his voice. All that time in the hospital I never really thought about not being able to hear, everyone made it seem so normal. But out here in the real world, I can see how different it is now. Jon and Patrick are still good at sign language and Andy knows a little bit. Brendon and I can use morse code but I can’t communicate with anyone else. It’s frustrating. I just want all this traveling to be over. I want to just hide away somewhere and forget about everything.

 

~~I want to hear Spencer say my name.~~


	36. New Journal, Day 13 of Freedom

I think that we might actually be going home soon. Not that I really know where home is anymore. Brendon’s still having nightmares and everyone thinks it will get better when he’s not in Summerlin. He’s worried that it will upset his parents, they did just get him back after thinking he was dead. I think he should just do what makes him happy. Pete has to go back to Chicago, something about his parents I think. I try to read everyone’s lips but it’s not easy. It’s been a long time since I cared enough to try and they all talk too fast. Patrick can’t sign fast enough to translate it all either. I have to go wherever Patrick goes. Apparently, I still can’t care for myself. At least my parents seem to have forgotten about me. They probably have their new perfect little kid. I’ve only met my sister once. Her name is Bonny. She was four and told me that I was a sinner. My parents probably brainwashed her like they tried to do to me. I hope she finds her soulmate and realizes how dumb they are.

I keep thinking about the other night when I didn’t take my medicine. I felt something that wasn’t me. I felt happy. But it wasn’t my happiness. It was coming from somewhere else. I don’t know how to explain it properly. I thought, for a minute, that maybe just maybe I was feeling Spencer’s happiness. But Spencer is dead so that wouldn’t make sense. If he was alive though, maybe that happiness could have been because he could feel me again. I can’t tell what’s real or not anymore. I’m scared of what I might become if I stop taking the medicine. But maybe, maybe if I stop one pill at a time I can figure out which one made that feeling go away. If I could just get that feeling back without hearing voices and seeing things then maybe things wouldn’t feel quite so awful.


	37. New Journal, Day 15 of Freedom

We’re going to Chicago tomorrow. Pete and Brendon are flying back the next day, so it will only be Andy, Joe, Patrick and me driving. I’m not sure why I think because of Brendon’s health or something. Things have changed really quickly. Jon and Eddy have gone somewhere for a vacation. Eddy doesn’t like bright lights or any sound really. Jon bought him headphones that block out noise and he wears them pretty much all the time. Jon’s like super in love with Eddy already. He spends all his time with him. I guess if my ~~Spencer~~ soulmate came back to life then I wouldn’t care about anything else either. Eddy likes to be around Brendon but he acts weird with his parents. Jon says that it’s because he doesn’t know them as his parents. I think that Brendon feels the same way.

Eddy wants to stay near Brendon, so he’s going to come to Chicago. But not until Jon can sell his house in Indiana and find a job. I kind of like being around Eddy. He doesn’t want to hear things so he doesn’t care that I don’t talk, and since he doesn’t talk much and when he does he talks slowly I can usually tell what he’s trying to say. I’m going to teach him morse code like I taught Brendon. He can’t read or write and he’s basically blind without his glasses but he still takes them off a lot anyway. I guess he’s kinda messed up like I am.

Patrick has disappeared from the hotel for a while now. I think Pete said something about him meeting his soulmate. I think it’s the nurse guy that was taking care of Eddy. His name is like Zack or something. I’m not sure. It would look kinda funny. Patrick is short and super skinny and super pale and the nurse zack is tall and big. He has tattoos all over and a big beard. I guess if Patrick is happy then that’s good. He has to put up with everything wrong with me. I don’t want to be a burden to him when we get to Chicago. Maybe I should just run away when we get there. Maybe if I run away then I’ll find what I’m missing.

 

I stopped taking one of the pills. I don’t know what it’s supposed to do but now I get that feeling all the time. Emotions that aren’t mine. I feel lips brush against my soulmark. I think that even if I go crazy I prefer life this way. It feels like a missing piece has been put back. I’m still not whole. I’ll never be whole again, but at least I’m not as broken as I used to be. I have to hide what I am doing from Patrick. He told everyone that he would make sure I stayed on my medication. I don’t want him to get into trouble.


	38. New Journal, Day 20 of Freedom

****We’ll be getting to Chicago tomorrow. Patrick is all mopey because he left his soulmate in Nevada. Joe and Andy are all lovey-dovey now that they’re married. This drive has been the worst. I wish that Brendon had come with us. He at least pays attention to me. It’s not like these three totally ignore me or anything I’m just not a priority really. I think they forget I’m here most of the time. I don’t blame them. I’ve been sleeping a lot again. Without taking that pill my brain is all sorts of mixed up. I don’t know which emotions are real or not. I keep hearing my soulmates voice in my head more and more. I keep seeing him when we’re out in crowds. It’s overwhelming but it feels so good. I want to just pretend that everything is okay. I want to pretend that he’s out there. I don’t know how long it’ll be until I go full-on crazy. At least the descent into madness will be a good one.

I don’t know what I’ll do when we get to Chicago, Patrick says that I can stay with him forever but when his soulmate gets there, they’ll want time to bond properly. I should get used to staying in other places. I thought about running away but Patrick will get in trouble if I do that. I have to be good for him. He’s done so much for me already. I wish I was normal. I wish that I could stop tricking myself into thinking my soulmate is out there.

 

 

~~I wish Spencer was here.~~


	39. Entry

What is the point of  **existing** without  ~~Spenc~~ **my soulmate**? 


	40. Dear Spencer

Dear Spencer, 

Soulmates are two halves of one soul, split apart when the universe was created. The two halves seek each other out, longing to be whole again. I think that I’ve been wrong about soulmates all this time. There’s no one definition of what soulmates are. Boy or girl, romantic or platonic. Soulmates come in all different forms. I can see that when I look at the people around me now. We’ve been in Chicago for some time now and the way that everything has calmed down has given me ample opportunities to observe. 

Joe and Andy were my first example of that. They met when they were young, not as young as us but still earlier than most soulmates. They don’t always get along; they bicker about little things like who’s better at video games or why Joe never remembers to wash his socks. They play pranks on each other and tease. Despite all of that their love is apparent, it’s secret glances and shared smiles. Holding hands and soft caresses when they think no one is looking. They often finish each other’s sentences and answer questions asked of the other. Joe always knows what Andy wants to eat and Andy always knows when Joe needs to get away from everything. It’s like they’re on the same wavelength. 

Pete and Brendon are different. They’re still new to this and they’re both unsure how to proceed, but they both crave closeness and contact and reassurance. They’re awkward but gentle. Everywhere they go its whispered words of comfort or encouragement, they sleep intertwined as much as they can be and it’s rare to see one without the other. Pete’s feelings for Patrick are still there but they’re overpowered by the connection he feels to Brendon. I know that they cuddle and they’ve kissed a few times but I don’t think they’ve gone beyond that. Brendon is still healing. The memories he regained have all been bad. Having Eddy around seems to be helping him though. 

Jon and Eddy are very different from the others. They already had a seventeen-year age gap between them but after being in a coma for so long Eddy is still very childlike. He’s still very unsure about things and his senses seem to get overloaded. They’ve just moved here to Chicago so I haven’t had as much time to watch them, but Eddy is a good person. Jon takes good care of him. He makes sure that he’s not getting overwhelmed with things and he’s teaching him things that he should have learned in school growing up. I think that when Eddy has been awake for longer their relationship might change but right now it seems like they don’t do anything really romantic. 

I don’t know much about Patrick’s soulmate, Zack. They met each other in Nevada. Zack was Eddy’s nurse so he’s probably a good person. Patrick still struggles a lot with how he sees himself. I think not knowing who his soulmate was only made it worse. Whoever Zack is he’s basically dropping everything to move here and be with Patrick. Being willing to do that without a second thought shows how much he wanted to find his soulmate too. 

I can’t help but wonder what we would have been like if we had grown together the way we were supposed to. If we had understood what our matching soulmarks really meant. I wonder what our first kiss would have been like, would we have gone to school dances together? Gone to the same college? We could have started that band we were always talking about. We could have loved each other no matter what. 

My parents were not soulmates. They defied everything about soulmates. Somewhere out there my mom and dad have real soulmates, people they were meant to be with. What happened to them? What will happen to my sister? Will she grow up and seek out her soulmate? Will she follow in our parents’ footsteps? I wonder if my parent’s defiance is the reason that I turned out the way I am. I’m sorry that you got stuck with such a person. Maybe if I had been normal, maybe if you had a different soulmate, maybe then you’d still be alive. You’d still be happy. 

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, it’s hard with everything all muddled inside my head. I think that they’re wrong about losing your soulmate when they die. Soulmates are two halves of one soul. Soulmates usually die together or close together. There must be somewhere, some in between, limbo or purgatory. Where soulmates go to wait for their other half to join them. You’re somewhere in that place waiting for me, aren’t you? I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve made you suffer so much. I’m done sitting around and waiting. When Zack gets here in two weeks’ time I’m going to come and find you. 

Soon we’ll get to be together forever.

Forever and always yours,

Ryro


	41. Reality

            Ryan has been sitting in the living room and staring mindlessly at the tv for most of the day. His knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them, he has no idea what’s even on the screen. Brendon arrived not too long ago and he’s practically vibrating he’s so excited about something. Ryan figures it’s probably Pete related and he doesn’t really want to know so he ignores Brendon for the most part. 

            Brendon plops down onto the couch next to his sullen friends and taps on his arm to try and get his attention, he’s worried about how withdrawn Ryan has become again. He’d probably cheer right up if he knew the secret that Brendon had, not that Brendon would actually ruin the secret by telling him too soon. It was going to be revealed soon anyway and Brendon couldn’t wait to see the look on Ryan’s face. He wondered if he could get away with recording it.

            “Paaaattttrrrrriiiiccccckkkkk” Brendon calls out, unsure where his friend had gone off too. Patrick sticks his head through the kitchen door and scowls at Brendon.           

            “Yes loud one?” Patrick asks. 

            “Why is Ryan grumpy today?” 

            “I’m… Not sure.” Patrick admits, he walks fully into the room and stands in front of Ryan forcing the boy's eyes away from the TV. When he’s sure Ryan is paying attention he signs. 

 **Everything okay?**

**Brendon is being annoying.**

**Is he doing anything in particular that’s annoying you?**

**Existing.**

            “Ryan…” Patrick lets out a sigh and then signs again, **That is very rude.** Ryan just shrugs his shoulders and gets up from the couch going into the kitchen to root around for a snack. 

            “He’s such a grumpy pants.” Brendon declares, “Just wait until he finds out what I did for him.” 

            “What did you do?” Patrick asks with a worried tone, Brendon’s ideas are sometimes dangerous. 

            Ryan comes back into the room with a can of soda in his hand, he’d thought to grab one for Brendon as well but decided that would only encourage the other boy to be more annoying. He can tell that Brendon and Patrick are trying to keep something from him. Patrick looks surprised and Brendon keeps alternating between checking his phone and then holding his hand over his mouth so that Ryan can’t read his lips. He’s sure they’re probably trying to decide if they did the right thing by letting him out of the hospital. He’s still expecting Patrick to send him back there any day now. Especially after he accidentally admitted that he was starting to hear things that weren’t actually there. He’s pretty sure Patrick is starting to notice he hasn’t taken his pills. It won’t matter much longer anyway. 

            Brendon starts to poke at Ryan’s arm again and despite his attempts to ignore it, Ryan can tell that Brendon is tapping out something about his hair. It’s finally starting to grow back to a length that Ryan likes but it’s still just a bit too short and has a tendency to stick out in weird ways. Ryan’s always been a bit particular about his hair so he gets up and hurries to the bathroom upstairs next to his bedroom, he might as well look good for his last few days. He spends a while trying to get his hair just right, so preoccupied with it that he doesn’t notice Brendon start to pace between the bottom of the stairs and the front door.

            A car pulls up outside the house and Brendon presses his face against the glass. He’s kind of mad at himself, to be honest, all that time he spent helping Ryan search and he’d never gotten anywhere. Even with his limited reading skills, it had only taken Eddy a half hour on the internet to finally find what they had been looking for. He was never even hidden that well. Brendon blames it on him having such a common last name. He can hear Ryan still banging around in the bathroom, so he slips outside quickly as the car door opens. 

            As Ryan makes his way down the stairs a few minutes later he finds Brendon standing at the bottom with his hands behind his back and a shit-eating grin on his face. **What did you do?** Ryan taps onto the railing with one of the rings he’s taken to wearing. Brendon’s grin gets wider and he points to his lips and then speaks. Ryan feels extremely nervous about something but he’s not sure what it is, he thinks that maybe it isn’t his emotion.

             “There’s a surprise for you.” He says, watching Ryan’s face to make sure he can understand. 

**?**

“It just got here,” Brendon says pointing at the door behind him. Ryan looks and he can just make out the silhouette of someone on the other side of the frosted glass. He takes the last few steps down the stairs. “Don’t freak out okay.” Brendon waits for Ryan to nod then turns to the front door and pulls it open before quickly moving off to the side. Ryan’s gaze follows his friend and then turn back to the doorway where his honey brown eyes meet sky blue.

 

            Everything stops.

 

            “I found you,” Spencer speaks as his hands move to form slightly awkward signs. Ryan covers his mouth with his hand, he’s not sure he can remember how to breathe. He wants to cry and scream. He wants this to be real. He wants to know that he’s not having another hallucination. His eyes burn with unshed tears as he gasps for air. In a panic, he knocks his ring against the wall. Brendon jumps to attention.

            “He needs his medicine,” Brendon says before rushing to ask Patrick where it is.

            “I’m sorry,” Spencer says, his lips turning down in a frown. “Do you need to sit?” 

            Ryan doesn’t know what to say, he reaches out his hand wanting to know if this is just an illusion that’s going to fade away. Spencer moves forward and places his hands-on Ryan’s arms. Ryan gasps at the contact and grasps onto the other man’s jacket, silently pleading for this to be real. Spencer wraps his arms around his soulmate and holds him tight against his chest as Ryan buries his face in his shirt. 

            His hallucinations have never felt this real before. He’s never felt the warmth of Spencer’s arms wrapped around him. This Spencer that stands beside him smells familiar, smells like home. It's overwhelming. If this is another product of his messed up brain the Ryan never wants to be normal again.

             Then Spencer is moving him back and Ryan begins to panic more, he whines to express his discontent until he feels his lips were parted and a familiar pill is slipped into his mouth. He sees Brendon standing beside them now and drinks from the water bottle that his friend holds to his lips. He swallows the pill and then clings close to Spencer again, burying his face and taking a deep breath. He feels the vibrations as Spencer speaks and he wants to cry again. He can’t hear Spencer’s voice. He’s always been able to hear Spencer’s voice in his hallucinations.

             Ryan clings tightly onto his soulmate. He presses his face against his neck and feels his heart beating, feels his own heart beating in the same rhythm. Spencer keeps Ryan close and moves into the living room. They sit on the couch pressed together, Ryan still struggling to understand that it’s all real. Spencer takes Ryan’s hand in his and presses it against his neck. He hums a bit and watches the surprised look on Ryan’s face as he feels the vibrations.

             “I love you, Ryan,” Spencer says. Ryan watches his lips closely he’s wanted to hear those words for so long.

 **Again,** he mouths the word. Spencer smiles. 

            “I love you, Ryan.” Ryan feels like he could die at this moment and be happy. He wants so badly for this to be real. Spencer moves up the sleeve of his jacket and shows Ryan his soulmark, just underneath the bold date is a small tattoo of a heart with the initial’s ‘G.R.R’ in the center. At the door, Spencer had signed to him. Ryan detaches from Spencer’s side now, just enough to be able to move his hands. 

            **They told me you died.** Ryan watches his soulmates face and sees that he’s understood. 

            **Who?** Spencer asks. Ryan shifts so he’s sitting on his knees. 

            **Everyone. Mother and Father. The doctors.** Thinking about it makes Ryan want to cry again. But he forces himself to keep his attention on Spencer. His Spencer. Ryan wonders why Spencer learned sign language but he doesn’t bother to ask, he just wants to watch his Spencer as he signs out his explanation. 

            **I moved after you left. It was bad for my family. But I looked for you. I never stopped looking. Your parents made it hard, so I tried other ways to look.**

 **They put me in the hospital.** Ryan pauses, he wonders if Spencer will look at him differently if he knew how messed up Ryan had become. **They said I was in denial.**

“Ryan,” Spencer moves closer and presses his lips to Ryan’s forehead. **I wish I had found you before.** Ryan wishes that too. This is what he’s always wanted. This is what he’s been searching for, but what if he’s not good for Spencer. What if Spencer doesn’t want someone who sees imaginary things or needs to take a million pills just to act like a semi-normal person. What if this isn’t really Spencer, what if his mind has finally given on up reality. 

            **My friend got me out of the hospital,** He signs. **He is my guardian now. They said I can’t take care of myself.**

Spencer doesn’t look annoyed or disgusted like Ryan expects. He smiles gently and promises Ryan that they’ll figure things out together. He holds Ryan in his arms and runs his fingers through his hair. For the first time in many years, Ryan feels whole. He feels like the world isn’t such a bad place. In the arms of his soulmate, he feels like maybe things will be okay. 

            The two men stay wrapped together on the couch until Brendon comes to tell them that lunch is ready. Spencer joins them all for the meal. Ryan keeps a hold of his soulmates shirt just to make sure he can’t suddenly vanish. Pete joins them as well, he kisses Brendon on the cheek and Patrick on the head then sits down to eat. Spencer tells them all about himself, Ryan keeps his eyes focused on his lips so he doesn’t miss anything. Spencer is a drummer now, he followed his dream. Brendon tells them how he and Eddy found Spencer. 

            After the meal, Ryan brings Spencer to the den that Patrick had converted into a music room. They sit close together once again. Spencer takes out his phone and types into the notes so he doesn’t have to let go of Ryan.

            _I’m staying at a hotel here, I’ll be here for 4 days before I have to go back for a show._

Ryan can feel the panic building inside him, Spencer is going to leave. He’s going to go away again. Ryan fights back the tears that threaten to fill his eyes, he doesn’t want Spencer to see how unstable he is. He wants Spencer to stay and love him. Spencer types again.

            _It’s up to you if you would like to come with me. Otherwise, I will come to visit you again._ Expecting a much different message this reassurance helps him to calm down just a bit. Ryan can feel a calm and warm emotion deep inside him and he remembers that it is not his, he wonders if Spencer can feel his emotions as well. He wonders if maybe those emotions aren’t real, maybe his mind is just tricking him into thinking they are. Maybe none of this is real. Ryan is afraid that if Spencer leaves then he’ll never come back. 

            Frantically he signs, **I want to be with you.** Spencer smiles softly at him and Ryan feels like he might be melting. 

 **I would love to have you with me.** Ryan has never liked sign language, he hates that he has to rely on it to communicate but watching Spencer sign ‘love’ isn’t so bad. Even if he would much prefer to hear it. He wonders if Spencer wishes that Ryan could hear if he wishes Ryan would talk to him. He could do it, he could speak if he wanted to but it’s been a very long time since he used his voice and he doesn’t like the idea of not being able to hear himself. 

            “I love you,” Spencer says before pressing a kiss to Ryan’s nose. Ryan stares into Spencer’s eyes, he forgot how stunningly blue they are, how beautiful they are. The Spencer in his mind is a dull comparison. 

 **I love you too** , he mouths back. He should speak, just for Spencer. Spencer looks back into his soulmate's eyes. Ryan can feel both of their hearts racing, He can feel his own wants mixing with the others inside him. Spencer’s eyes slide shut and Ryan knows that they’re both craving this. He puts his hands on Spencer’s chest and presses their lips together gently.

             This is real. This has to be real. Ryan can’t remember ever feeling as happy as he does now at this moment, his soulmates lips moving against his own. His soulmates heart racing beneath Ryan’s hands. They’re both breathless when they finally move apart, smiles spreading across their faces.

 

 **Do you want to go on a date tomorrow?** Spencer signs. All Ryan can do is nod his head.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for coming on another journey with me. Sorry for the super random updating schedule but with such short chapters I wanted to make sure I got it all out as quickly as I can. Also sorry for that long little break I took. Dezzy and I flew out to LA to meet Ryan and Z and it was beautiful. 
> 
> Quick self-promotion time, I have a website where I post reviews and some of my concert photography and would be very happy if you guys could check it out. Unctrlablyalt.com or follow any of my social media @unctrlably_alt on pretty much everything. I hope to see you all again soon!~
> 
> Taylor


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